By Roberta Ravella

Sometimes I ask myself: “Hey lady, what are you hiding? Who are you hiding from?”

It’s a minefield. At work I am a mild mannered, fun loving, smile at your stupid jokes loan officer. Yes, I can figure out your DTI problem, just give me the loan.

At home I am the perfect Pinterest wife, complete with keto dinner and Peloton bike. Work accomplishments lightly discussed, I don’t want anyone to feel unimportant because of me.

With my girlfriends, I am Joan of Arc, transforming the world one anti-mansplaining venting wine session at a time!

It’s exhausting maintaining the mental toughness to bring all of these people into one person: In charge, but not bossy and don’t hurt anyone’s feelings. Fit and well dressed, but not too pretty, don’t want to be threatening. Set boundaries and lead! But still do everything, not too important to do the hard work.

Women have made so much progress in the workplace, and in the mortgage business. Why then, does it feel at times we still fight society, our companies, and even our families?

Societal narratives for who women should be and how they should act are strong.

The assumptions from when I was not married were that the men in the office needed referrals more than I did. They were providers. Once I married it was “Oh you don’t need my business, you are married.”

More times than I like to count in my 20 years of mortgage loan sales, my shoe collection was noted as the reason for me to earn more commissions. “Roberta, your co-worker Bob wants more deals so he can put his kids through college. I guess you can buy more shoes . . .”

How to win this game? Can I quit playing?

I did stop trying to be perfect. I stopped playing nice when they asked me if they were offensive. I stopped playing the cool chick, and, most of all, I stopped working with people (realtors, vendors, clients) and at places (mortgage branches and corporate offices) that diminished women.

Once I had put an end to all of that, the question became what do I actually do now? There has to be a replacement for those pleasing, perfectionist, egg-shell walking behaviors.

Self-talk was a great place to start.  Why was I in these environments to begin with? I had held onto the belief that this was just the way it was and always going to be. That speaking up would cause harm to my career. That I had to work with whoever wanted to work with me.  I was WRONG!

I changed that thinking, and here’s how.

Know Whose Approval is Important to You

Know whose approval you care about. It is tough for women to break out of pleaser mode, thus the split personality. You cannot please everyone. In fact, you cannot please most people. Knowing whose approval really matters will safeguard you from trying to please everyone; and, therefore, no one, especially yourself.

How do we pick who really matters? Who is signing your check is a good indicator. Who would you invite into your home? Who would cry at your funeral? It’s probably only a handful of people. When I really thought this one through, there have been about five people in my life whose approval really mattered. I spent so much time working for gold stars from people who only wanted to make money from me. We need to be real with ourselves. There are plenty of business owners and branch managers that say they want a family culture and that they are there to make our lives better. This may all be true, but at the end of the day, they are there to make money and their family is at home. Hanging hopes of approval on these people can be misplaced, leading to bad decisions and disappointment.

Work in Alignment with Your Values

We think of values as something on a corporate plaque, but it is imperative that we, as individuals, know what we value. It will be the armor you need to keep going when you are pushing away from the status quo. There will be people there to try to pull you back in. It’s human nature. But when you know what you value, and why you are doing what you are doing, you have the strength to push past and keep moving forward, despite the “who does she think she is” that you are sure to get from some men and women alike.

Know Who You Want to be in the Marketplace

Develop an identity that is yours. I copied other peoples’ identities, not sure who I wanted to be. If they were successful, I thought, just copy them. That works fine for sales techniques but not for your identity. Knowing what you value, who your clients are, and what you bring to them will help. You have a unique set of DNA and experiences that you bring to those who need your help. Self-awareness is key for mental toughness.

Develop Self-confidence Independent of the Approval of Others

The first thing was to value myself and what I have to offer as much as other people. Looking at thos individuals that seemed more successful and trying to copy their efforts was the surface.

What is your why? Or, who is your why?  It’s a popular question. I believe, like losing weight or quitting smoking, your success needs to first be for you. Would you do this if no one was looking? If there was no one to be proud of or to learn from you? Would you do the work you are doing if it was only for you?

If the answer is yes, then keep going. You can add the other “whys” of wanting your family to be debt free, or wanting your kids to see what honest success looks like, or whatever else motivates you. The confidence it takes to push past the crowd must come from within.

Choose Your Crowd Wisely

Clinical research confirms that far more than our immediate circumstances, the people around us influence our emotional state and our mental health. Venting about problems can be fun and seems productive, but in the end our tribe needs to be solution oriented. Your “wine with friends” folks should encourage you, be honest, and help lead you where your intuition is already taking you. They don’t need to be Pollyanna level positive, just more empathetic than negative emotional contagions.

Set Boundaries and Stick to Them

Setting boundaries is about more than just what you say no to. It is also about how we let people talk to us and treat us. Practice asking people to speak to you with respect and move conversations out of sexist tropes and jokes. It’s hard to be the one setting those boundaries, but good people will respect them. If your boundaries are constantly being challenged or disrespected, then it may be time to change crowds or companies.

This is not the same as being “difficult.” I fell into the trap of being the “cool chick,” thinking I would be excluded from the top producer group if I said something about the jokes or the sexist undertones, not dealing with it unless it was overt. I later found out that they had excluded me anyway. Being the cool chick kept me from being left out of a few things, but, in the end, it only hurt my self-confidence and integrity.

Change What You Can Control 

We do not have control over much in life. However, we sometimes have more than for which we give ourselves credit. We can have an effect on culture, even though it comes from the top. Nobody wants to be an activist at work, but we have the opportunity to change language and show approval or disapproval for behaviors.

There is always the option to vote with our feet. If a company has poor culture toward women, or in general, LEAVE. I stayed places for longer than I should have because I thought it was the same everywhere. That may have been true at one point, but it is not now.

There are companies out there that promote women’s success, that do not tolerate harassment, and where you don’t have to worry about avoiding the locker room jokes. If you can’t find one where you are, there is always the option of creating one.

Queen Latifah and Reese Witherspoon created their own production companies because they were tired of people making choices that did not benefit women and women-centered projects. We can do the same for the mortgage business.

Healthy workplace environment is a must. You can find it, I promise.

By working in your values, knowing whose approval you care about, and setting boundaries, we can maintain self-confidence and define our own success.

When we hide to make others comfortable, we cheat them out of what we have to offer. Being open and vulnerable allows us to help the people we were meant to help and fulfill our meaningful work.

Women not only shine best here, but this is where we can change the narrative of success from power and money, to using our power and money to fulfill our life’s purpose.

With 20 years sales experience, Roberta is a Master Business Coach. She helps business professionals skyrocket their income by leveraging proven strategies, bedrock principles and by being who they truly are. When not coaching, Roberta and her husband love to travel, eat well, and relax over a good book.