Casey Hughes Wade

Challenges of being a woman and mentoring women in today’s workplace

I love the topic of mentorship. In my own life I’ve had several mentors who’ve been formative in my personal and professional development. These experiences have impacted me so much that I’ve embraced the opportunities to mentor other women for most of my adult life. As a mentor I’ve seen a particular pattern of thought and behavior emerge repeatedly, a pattern with which I am intimately familiar, and which holds us back from being our best selves. The fear of failure, insecurity in the quality of our work, and the reluctance to advocate for ourselves too often holds us back from demonstrating our abilities. We live and work in a culture which, despite significant progress in workplace equality, still retains vestiges from the 1950s, when modesty and submissiveness characterized the “ideal woman.” As women in the workforce today, qualities such as these do not serve us; in fact, they hold us back from excellence in our work, and passionately advocating for ourselves when our work product or our ideas deserve it. Broadly speaking, men do not share these inhibitions and it is one of the primary factors that separates men from women in the workplace. Taken together, these factors contribute to the false notion that we have nothing meaningful to contribute and disinclines us from being mentored and mentoring other women.

When I sat down to write this article, my mind was flooded with ideas, some funny anecdotes about being a woman in the mortgage industry, but perhaps most surprisingly, I was washed over by a wave of emotion. I kept returning again and again to the same logical, but emotionally infused question, “What could I contribute in a meaningful way to the topic of mentorship?” This general question is not unfamiliar to me, and in my personal experience and in my discussions with other women in our industry, I have found we often ask ourselves this same core question in one form or another: What do I have to contribute?

As a woman earlier in my career I would find myself intimidated by tasks that prompted this question. Afterall, the mortgage industry abounds with seemingly competent, self-assured men who never seem to doubt their abilities or what they must contribute. But each time I was called upon to contribute, I discovered that not only did I do a pretty good job, but also that my contribution was often different than those of my colleagues;  often it was exactly what the project needed most. My instinct and knowledge added energy and newness. So today, when I find myself asking what I can contribute, I do exactly what I did before writing this article. I pause, I take a deep breath, and I connect to the truth that my perspective as a woman is important and frequently desperately needed.

How to be a mentor: The basics

The secret to mentoring other women is simple: GIVE. BE A GIVER. GIVE AWAY the knowledge that you have learned through hard-fought experience. Give your time, your ideas, your feedback, and, if need be, even your clothes (that actually that has happened to me once). Give it all away. Even if it’s just in five-minute increments every day, or an hour a week, or one call a month. Give what you have. And we all have something important we can pass on to someone else; it’s called our experience. Give your experience away.

It’s my hope to communicate my experience to you as I would any friend who came to me seeking advice on mentorship. After reading this piece, I want you to feel empowered to give back or to seek knowledge without fear or self-doubt, regardless of your experience. LADY—YOU ARE WORTH IT!!

Every relationship has unique aspects and the same is true with mentors. Being a mentor doesn’t have to be a strict, formal agreement between two people. You can mentor someone in the moment, without them asking and without it taking a bunch of your personal time. So yes, even the working mom with siix kids, a husband, a dog, and three cats can be a mentor.  This is my favorite type of mentorship, mentoring in the moment. I’m sure you are thinking, “that’s crazy. I can’t just jump in and offer my two cents.” No, actually you can. If you have years of experience in a certain area or are just naturally really good at something and you see another woman struggling in the moment or know you can help her level up. JUMP IN! This type of opportunity for mentorship happens almost every day. And it gives us the opportunity to contribute to a lot of women at different stages in their careers. Some of my favorite mentoring moments have been over dinner, catch-ups at the end of the night after a conference, girl-talk in the hotel rooms, in the office after a big meeting or on prospecting visits, and at sales rallies. There have been times I had no idea I was mentoring other women until they acknowledged me months and even years later for helping guide them through an important time in their lives or careers.  Sometimes they asked for my advice and other times I just offered it up freely. But I was giving them my experience in an area in which I had more knowledge or experience, and that was valuable to them. Even this is mentoring. I never leave these conversations judging the other woman’s perspective or skill set.  I want to contribute to another female because of my commitment to empower other women and to teach them something. I wish someone would have taught to me. OR maybe someone did, and it felt good to give that knowledge away. This is where the point of departure from just being a coworker or a friend it, and instead being a mentor. It’s the commitment to sharing our experience to benefit another without judgement or expecting anything in return.

Your position and title are the least important factor in this equation. You can mentor from above, below, or next to your colleagues on that org chart. You can be an intentional mentor through planned discussions. Or you can be a mentor through your daily interactions. Standing tall with integrity. Giving the benefit of the doubt. Or one of a dozen other ways. You never know who might be watching and looking for an example (aka mentor) of knowledge, balance, and ethical decision making.

And the fastest way to become a fraud is to fall into unprofessional or unethical behaviors. Gossip. Catty comments. Manipulation. These cannot be part of a mentor’s toolbox and are only recognized through thoughtful self-reflection.

Lastly, an­­­ inability to communicate with empathy will quickly put an end to any good works previously accomplished. No one gets it right the first time. So be prepared to see yourself struggle at creating a mentor-mentee relationship. You will be learning at least as much as you are teaching. You will be practicing what you believe to be the best parts of you and it will be watched. Evaluated. And maybe even criticized. But the relationship is about communication. Offering a kind word when you are thumping your palm against your forehead and wondering what they were thinking is like gold. The reminder that “this too will pass” and that embarrassment or failure only feels like it will kill you will be required.

Get Started

Here is your call to action. Commit to being a woman of substance. Reach outside your cubicle (or home office, as it may be) to someone who is open to growing in the industry. You will know them when you meet them. Look for spark of energy and hope, a willingness to learn, and move past your fear and self-doubt. Keep it simple at first. Trust yourself. And give, give, give.